Tag Archives: zombie kung fu

Learn Zombie Kung Fu or Get Your Face Eaten Off!

The ultimate argument for learning Zombie Kung Fu occurred in Miami when a naked fellow by the name of Rudy Eugene ate a homeless man’s face. Rudy, it appears, ingested a drug called ‘bath salts.’ This street concoction fried his brain, and he decided to go McDonalds on the face of Ronald Poppo.

martial arts work out

Do this to a Zombie’s face!

Ronald, unfortunately, didn’t know Zombie Kung Fu.

What is the self defense move for somebody trying to eat your face off?

Head butt? Eat back?

The fact is that drugs do make zombies; drugs kill brains, and the unbrained ones then do whatever they wish, which, in this case, involved making a happy meal out of some poor schmucks nose and cheeks and stuff.

It is estimated that more than 80% of America is on drugs. This includes prescription drugs, street drugs, but not alcohol, coffee, or the like.

The word drug comes from a french word, drogue, which refers to barrels used to hold medicinal herbs.

The purpose (one of the purposes) of drugs is to cause unawareness so that medical attention can be given.

Modern times drugs are referred to as dope, and the prime purpose is to give joy through stupidity.

Kung Fu, on the other hand, or any good martial art such as taekwondo, krav maga, jujitsu,a nd so on, imparts awareness. People actually get smarter. Their bodies tedox, their brains wake up, and they start actually thinking, and can even attain enlightenment, which is the highest expression of the thought process in a human being.

That one does become smarter is proven by the fact that people who study Kung Fu don’t eat other peoples faces off.

Thus, studying an art like Hung Gar or Preying Mantis or wing Chun will not only make a person smarter, better able to handle the world, and so on, it will give him recourse in the event that a zombie tries to eat his face.

While the self defense techniques for specific zombie attacks have not been categorized or explored in any detail, it is obvious that an aware person will have enough presence of mind to kick an unaware person in the nuts using zombie Kung Fu.

zombie kung fu



Learn Zombie Kung Fu Now and Survive the Coming Apocalypse!

Zombie Kung Fu is Coming!

I bet that if I started a zombie kung fu martial arts school I would get fabulously rich. I could teach all the secret martial arts techniques that the living dead use to rip the beating and oh, so juicy heart out of some fool who can’t run very fast. I could teach people the secret monster karate techniques that…maybe I should tell you what this article is about?

My wife was positive that I was destroying my sons’ fragile, eggshell mentalities. We would sit for hours and eat popcorn and watch monster movies. And then I would teach them how to do the martial arts.

What she didn’t know was that we were studying several factors which were crucial to learning the martial arts. The main thing we got into was the use of wires and make up. Learn these two things and it will change the way you look at the martial arts, and it will even undo the less than beneficial effects of Hollywood scriptwriters.

First, we would spend hours dissecting the methods by which Hollywood does its effects. How did that zombie leap from one roof to another roof? The answer, we would find, would be a lift with a wire, or a blue screen and an invisible platform pasted onto the background.

This led to attempts to duplicate certain stunts, with me holding onto the back of the pants, placing a hand under the back, or otherwise seeing if something could be done. Interestingly, this led to the boys appreciating the need for people who actually knew how to spot (grin) and proper instruction before attempting those things they do on TV and tell you not to do.

The second special effects thing was makeup, and while we didn’t start roaming the neighborhood dressed in monster drag, we did get in severe analysis of how make up could be used to enhance slaughter. If you bent the head a certain way, put a metal plate against the throat, you could set off a small charge and make it look like a throat was being slaughtered. Intense!

And, the method for inserting arrows, bullets, swords, or whatever the weapon of your choice into the body part of your choice proved educational. This led to analysis of how the body might really move under severe impact. Quite fascinating.

I know this is a weird bit of writing, and I know that people will not like me for the way I raised my kids. But my kids are not taken in by Hollywood special effects, don’t get upset by fake blood, appreciate good film making, know that no actors were harmed in the filming of this movie, and understand better how reality functions. So I think you better learn a little Zombie Kung Fu, that way maybe you’ll stand a chance of surviving when the zombies come to your neighborhood.

zombie kung fu