How Martial Arts Really Got Started!
Joe Blow goes to war, rolls in the mud a lot, manages to survive, and he comes out of the wars with a couple of techniques that worked, that actually saved his life. Maybe pushing the butt of his spear for a horse impalement, maybe ducking when somebody sliced sideways at his head, maybe stepping to the side if they sliced down, and, oh, BTW, stick quick after the other guy misses.
So Joe Blow survives, gets a bunch or ribbons, which are a lot cheaper than a pension, and is pronounced a hero.
Unfortunately, when poor Joe goes home he doesn’t have any way of making money.
But the kids in his village are all impressed, and they keep asking him stupid questions like, “How did you survive the battle of Bloody Gap?”
Which battle he survived by being conked on the head and sleeping through it, then waking up in time for the general to come by and think he’s the last man standing. That was good for a really big, red ribbon.
But kids keep asking and asking, and, finally, in a moment of frustration, he throws a bozo kid on the ground, sticks his knife right to the kid’s throat, and says, “Like this!”
Now, the kid, being stupid, doesn’t realize that he’s pushed Joe to the breaking point, he is just aware that he has sampled all the violence and glory that he missed out on. And he gets up and says, “Wow! Can you teach me that?”
Disgusted, Joe walks away and throws back, “You don’t have enough money to buy that technique!”
“I got ten dollars!”
He’s broke, he’s hungry all the time, and this stupid kid wants to pay him ten dollars because….because…
So he teaches the kid the technique. Stupid kid actually knicks him with a knife, so he grabs a stick, tells the kid everybody trains with sticks.
The kid asks why not real weapons, and Joe makes up some gobbledegook about sticks being wood, and wood is mystical, therefore the stick is mystical.
“Wow! Am I learning the Stick Mystical System?”
Moaning on the inside with grief, Joe says, “Sure. Call it ‘Stick-My-Sys-Do.’”
Kid goes away all excited, tells his friends, and the next day Joe has 14 brats squalling to learn Stick-My-Sys-Do.
Joe’s eyes light up like a cash register, and he teaches the kids. But when they complain about being thrown on their butt he sells them pillows to put in their pants. Protective gear, you know.
So Joe teaches his five techniques, and then realizes that he has no more! But those kids have been paying for his beans and brewski, so…so he remembers a guy in the wars who told him about how you roll under the charging horse and slash the belly with a knife. Guy was making it up, but what would a bunch of stupid kids know? Eh?
So he teaches them the mystical and sacred technique Rolling Horse Undies.
Then he figures, he got away with that one, he makes one up. ‘Punch Under the Horse’s Tale.’
Which are quickly followed up by Kicking the Cocos, One Finger Up the Nose, and all sorts of other things.
And if any of the kids get mouthy, or give him a rough time, he just uses one of his real techniques to throw the kid on his, uh, pillow, and stick his knife (he’s allowed to use a real one) in the kid’s throat.
And everybody cheers and yells and wants to learn more.
Now, I know, you think I am bitter and cynical, or even (choke) disrespectful. But, if you have a better idea, feel free to share.
This has been an official Case History. You can read more like this at Monster Martial Arts in the column menu. And if you want to learn some real martial arts, not just Rolling Horse Undies or Punch Under the Horse’s Tale, check out this sacred and mystical Martial Arts page that nobody has ever seen until you saw it.