How I Beat Up a Naked Burglar!


 

 

True Story of Crime and Punishment!

You wake up with your wife’s elbow in the ribs.
She whispers,
“Honey, there’s somebody in the house!”

karate instructor

Burglars? Pah! I thrive on burglars!

So you gently slide out of bed,
careful not to make a sound,
and you head for the door,
maybe grabbing a baseball bat or golf club on the way.
You tip toe downstairs.
Sure enough,
there is a burglar,
and you jump out with raised baseball bat,
and he shoots you in the center of the chest
with a cheap a$$ Saturday night special
And,
as you lay there on your kitchen floor,
listening to sobbing and sirens,
you wonder what you did wrong…

Well,
where do I start?
The first thing you did wrong,
and the single thing that got you shot
was that she whispered,
you tip toed,
and you scared the burglar.
Heck,
him shooting you was probably an accident.
He didn’t want to shoot anybody,
he just wanted the silverware,
but when you snuck up and surprised him
and he spun and the gun went off…
and those sirens,
and you lying on the floor,
dying.

We (the wife and I)
were moving.
We had actually moved out of the house,
and we were spending our last night in the area
sleeping in the dojo,
car packed and ready to go in the parking lot.

About two in the morning we heard noises
from the parking lot.
I tip toed and whispered,
and if what had happened next hadn’t happened,
my car,
with all possessions,
would have been stolen.
What happened next was…
MY WIFE SCREAMED!
She shouted,
she screamed,
she said things that would have made a teamster blush!

And the burglar,
car thief in this instance,
took off like a bat out of heck!
Man,
you never seen such fleet feet in your life.

Noise,
that was the trick.
Burglars sneak in and try to be silent,
noise means they are in danger of being caught,
so they run for it!

Now,
are you ready for the story?

We moved to Los Angeles,
I taught a lot of martial arts,
and every once in a while I thought about
how my wife’s scream
had saved the day.

One night,
elbow in the ribs,
“Al!
There’s somebody in the backyard!”
And we heard voices.
‘Man,
you got to learn!’
And,
‘Lemme go! Leggo!’

I hopped through the house
trying to put on pants as I ran.
I grabbed my staff as I exited the back door
and in the back of my mind,
was the message,
don’t be silent!

So I roared out there,
shouting with the staff up for a good head strike,
and stopped cold.
A naked guy was standing there
staring at me in shock.

He stared,
I stared,
and then he started to move.
“I’m outa here,” he said,
or something like that.

I began swinging the staff,
and the staff began to whistle.

I said,
“No,
you’re not,”
and the staff whizzed through the air,
making a low siren sound.

Mr. Naked realized that he was about to get clobbered,
the staff was moving so fast he couldn’t see it,
but he sure could hear it!
It was really moving!

So he jumped over the fence.

I realized there was only one way out for him,
down my neighbors driveway.
So I ran down my driveway,
listening to him running on the other side of the fence,
and he must have thought he was free
when I jumped in front of him,
swinging that durned staff so fast and hard!

He ran back up the driveway.
And I,
now grinning,
knew that there was only one other way out for him.
He circled through the carport
and began running down the back area of the apartments.
And I,
I calmly sauntered over to the front of the yard
and listened to him
as he tripped over barbecues,
baby carriages,
fences,
small dogs,
toys,
potted plants,
and everything under the sun,
and when he burst out of the last gate
there I was,
swinging that staff like a son of a gun.

Well,
there was one more way for him to get out,
there was a really tall fence
over which was a parking area for a restaurant,
and I don’t know how he did it,
I don’t know how he managed it without,
uh,
‘mangling his mangoes,’
but he went over that fence.
Now I was behind him,
and I chased him down the street.
The last I saw of Mr. Naked
he was running down Vermont street,
a very busy Los Angeles street,
two in the morning,
naked.
Dangling.
Flopping.
Arms pumping.
And I always wondered where he found clothes.
Probably off a line somewhere.
But…
I hadn’t been silent.
No more creeping through the house,
risking getting shot.
If there’s a burglar in my house
the first thing I do is scream,
“Honey, give me my gun!”
Then I bang doors,
stomp loudly
and announce in my bravest,
most determined voice.
“I don’t know who you are,
but I’m going to shoot your *$$
full of lead!”

Then I’m going to laugh,
as the chicken$***
runs for cover.

This is easy to do, if you know Blinding Steel!

Now,
this is good advice.
And the only other thing I want to say about it is this…
Mr. Naked had been fully clothed
when he had gone into the seven eleven on the corner,
and he had grabbed the big jar of pennies and dimes and stuff
for ‘Jerry’s Kids.’
He ran out of the 7-11
down the street
and into my back neighbors yard.
My neighbor heard noises,
thought somebody was trying to steal his Harley,
and he came out looking for trouble.
Mr. Naked,
still fully clothed,
tried to escape over the fence.
That was when I heard
‘You got to learn!’
And,
‘Lemme go!
Then Mr. Naked fell over the fence,
leaving his pants in my neighbors hands,
and meeting me,
Mr. In Your Face Ninja Son Of A Gun
looking for a little redemption
from that car thief incident
many years previous.

And,
here’s the thing.
When the police came
I remember them picking up a thousand pennies and dimes
in the dark of my back yard,
and I realized
99 times out of a hundred
the police show up after the crime.
Heck,
they don’t know it’s going to happen,
and that means this:

You are your own first line of self defense.

You can’t rely on somebody saving you,
you are going to have to save yourself.
It’s all up to you…
and the martial arts that you practice.

So,
sleep light,
keep a staff or machete
or something next to your back door,
and if you shoot somebody,
hope they fall down inside the house!

That,
and one other thing,
I would say that it is better than fifty fifty
that the bad guy will have a weapon.
That’s right,
I lucked out,
but…
but you should get the Blinding Steel Course.
The fastest,
most efficient method
for handling a weapon in the world.

How to handle a weapon,
or how to handle somebody
if they have a weapon!

Check it out here…
http://monstermartialarts.com/martial-arts/3a-blinding-steel-matrixing-weapons/

This is a large course
four videos and two books,
and it is all based on simplicity.
Not having to memorize tricky routines
that will get you killed while you’re trying to remember them,
but simple stuff
that opens the doors
to possibility after possibility after possibility…
It is a matrixed course,
the matrix of weapons,
and it is the best and fastest in the world.

Okay,
almost time for another work out,
I’ve really been digging the Pan Gai Noon lately,
maybe a little of that,
then some of the more rigorous classics.
Yeah,
that sounds good.
Actually,
sounds like a lot of fun!
I’m already breathing harder
and preparing myself mentally…

‘I get to work out…I get to work out!’
YEAH!
You, too!

Talk to you later.

Al

If you’re a martial artist, or even want to be one, head over to MonsterMartial Arts.com

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s