Zombie Kung Fu is Coming!
I bet that if I started a zombie kung fu martial arts school I would get fabulously rich. I could teach all the secret martial arts techniques that the living dead use to rip the beating and oh, so juicy heart out of some fool who can’t run very fast. I could teach people the secret monster karate techniques that…maybe I should tell you what this article is about?
My wife was positive that I was destroying my sons’ fragile, eggshell mentalities. We would sit for hours and eat popcorn and watch monster movies. And then I would teach them how to do the martial arts.
What she didn’t know was that we were studying several factors which were crucial to learning the martial arts. The main thing we got into was the use of wires and make up. Learn these two things and it will change the way you look at the martial arts, and it will even undo the less than beneficial effects of Hollywood scriptwriters.
First, we would spend hours dissecting the methods by which Hollywood does its effects. How did that zombie leap from one roof to another roof? The answer, we would find, would be a lift with a wire, or a blue screen and an invisible platform pasted onto the background.
This led to attempts to duplicate certain stunts, with me holding onto the back of the pants, placing a hand under the back, or otherwise seeing if something could be done. Interestingly, this led to the boys appreciating the need for people who actually knew how to spot (grin) and proper instruction before attempting those things they do on TV and tell you not to do.
The second special effects thing was makeup, and while we didn’t start roaming the neighborhood dressed in monster drag, we did get in severe analysis of how make up could be used to enhance slaughter. If you bent the head a certain way, put a metal plate against the throat, you could set off a small charge and make it look like a throat was being slaughtered. Intense!
And, the method for inserting arrows, bullets, swords, or whatever the weapon of your choice into the body part of your choice proved educational. This led to analysis of how the body might really move under severe impact. Quite fascinating.
I know this is a weird bit of writing, and I know that people will not like me for the way I raised my kids. But my kids are not taken in by Hollywood special effects, don’t get upset by fake blood, appreciate good film making, know that no actors were harmed in the filming of this movie, and understand better how reality functions. So I think you better learn a little Zombie Kung Fu, that way maybe you’ll stand a chance of surviving when the zombies come to your neighborhood.