Man, he should have seen it coming. This big, huge, obese fellow tried studying Karate, and it killed him!
His name is–was–Reginald Burgerking. With a name like that you know he was already in trouble.
Reginald had frequented nothing but fast food outlets for years, and at the ripe old age of 23 he weighed a whopper,,,eh, whopping 478 pounds!
One day, while trying to sit on the toilet, Reginald realized that he was going to have to do something about his weight. He rode his little home motor scooter through his apartment and parked in front of his computer. He then ordered up a martial arts course by Al Case. Al Case, as you might or might not know, specializes in good, rock ’em, sock ’em martial arts instruction. He’s got courses on Shaolin and Karate and Aikido…just about everything a person could ever want.
Well, Reginald has always wanted to learn Shaolin Kung Fu. Before he went huge he used to stand in the bathroom, and inbetween mouthfuls of french fries, he would do the Bruce Lee whoop whoop, and make a scowl like he was killing somebody by crushing them.
So he order the Shoalin Butterfly.
A couple of days later, when the course arrived (fast shipping!), Reginald popped the DVD in the computer, hoisted himself out of his mobile trike, and got ready to do some big time Kung Fu!
Unfortunately, he forgot to set the handbrake on his trike, and he tripped over it on the first move he attempted.
BOOM! Reginald hit the floor like a 478 pound sack of onion rings! Like an elephant uprooted, he couldn’t get back on his feet, and slowly, gravity compacted his organs. He took in breath to call for help, but his lungs collapsed. He tried pounding on the floor, but he couldn’t raise his arm. Besides, he was on the ground floor and no one lived below him. His cholesterol impacted heart began to beat slower, and slower, and, finally, Reginald gave up the ghost.
Thus, one could say that Karate killed Reginald Burgerking, or Shaolin Kung Fu, or something like that. Doesn’t matter, because Reginald couldn’t work and was unable to contribute to society.
The unfortunate aspect of all this is that if Reginald hadn’t tripped, had given up his beloved milkshakes and cardboard apple pies, and actually done the Shaolin Butterfly course, he could have reduced his weight, saved his life, and become a useful member of society!
Now he’s just dead.
He will be buried in a piano box this Saturday at the cemetery, and the public is invited to attend. Eulogy will be given b Al Case, who was so stricken with sadness that he wrote a special speech for Reginald’s passing, having to do with doing the martial arts now, before you become a lazy, fat, slothful excuse for a human being who needs constant health care and even king size diapers that have to be changed by a Norwegian female nurse with a beard.
People interested in learning Karate, or Shaolin Kung Fu, are invited to Al’s website, Monster Martial Arts, where they can take advantage of his philanthropic genrosity and get a free martial arts book.