Bicycle Defense Bunkai Number One

Happy Monday!
And it is happy.
I get to start the week of with a work out.
I took the dog out,
and while he was sniffing out gopher holes
I was doing Sanchin.
Again and again.
we were a pair of happy hounds!

Okey dokey,
probably time to tell you about my recent altercation.
And I will,
let me report on the State of the Monster.

I do this every few months,
let people know what is happening.

Monster is stronger.
Stats are up,
complaints are down…
maybe once every couple of months.
And we handle those within 24,
or as soon as is humanly possible.
speaking of which,
my wife set the record,
she handled a complaint in exactly 46 minutes.
From arrival of unhappy email
to a remailed order,
46 minutes.
That’s truckin’!

the Great Matrixing Tour grows closer.
I need to save a large chunk of money,
and have the Monster to a certain point,
and the show goes on the road.
I travel the US,
doing quality control throughout the 48 states.

we will be looking for a place to put Monkeyland.
where people come to learn the True Art,
to study Matrixing and Neutronics,
A temple
Shaolinesque in nature,
but neutronic in design..

the Monster is in good shape,
there is so much blankety blank work to be done!
Of course,
it ain’t work if you love it.

so I’m driving down the street,
and a bum on a bicycle
jumps off the curb and into the street.
I hit the brakes,
the dog flies into the dashboard,
and I’m a wee bit irritated.
I’m not to happy about this,
and I honk.

It’s a funny thing about honking,
people in Los Angeles are terrified to honk.
They think a crazy terrorist Arab
is suddenly going to leap out of his vehicle
and shoot you with his AK47.


So most people don’t honk.

being the Master Founder,
am above such considerations.
I honk.
After all,
God wouldn’t have put horns in cars
if he didn’t want you to honk.

And the bum on the bike,
who is talking to another bum,
turns around and gives me a dirty look.
‘Go around!’

Now this guy is oblivious.
He doesn’t know that I had been hemmed in,
couldn’t have gone around him,
he is so oblivious,
he is sitting in the middle of the street arguing with traffic.

as our eyes met,
two things happened.
he saw me for what I am,
an old guy.
And his look of disdain was total…
And he thought:
‘F him,
he ain’t gonna fight.’

when I saw his attitude,
I went calm.
for me,
is a bad thing.
It means that I have made up my mind,
and the universe is about to happen.
What I say goes.
Mountains will fall,
the oceans will dry up,
I drove over his bicycle.

He had to jump,
but I knew he would make it.
let’s face it,
what I did…well,
A couple of things come to mind.

I wasn’t too smart,
I allowed myself to be pushed past law
and worse,
common sense.
No excuse.

as a technique,
running over a fellow’s bicycle has to be number one.
I mean,
somebody bugs you,
run over him.
A concept and a technique
which can’t be argued with.

But the morality of running over some idiot’s bicycle…
I had really lowered myself to his level,
and maybe a few basements under.
I mean,
I could have been arrested,
thrown in jail,
had to buy him a new bike,
and so on…
here’s the kicker,
I got away with it.
I pulled off
Bicycle Defense Number One
and drove down the street.
Scott free.
Of course,
I live in fear of kharma.
Not a day passes that I don’t look over my shoulder
and wonder when God’s big trike
is going to leave it’s footprint
across my hood,
over my lap,
through my brain,
and down the street.

Oh well.
That’s life.
I apologize to you all
for not controlling myself.
I’m supposed to be the Master Founder,
I’m supposed to stand for something…
and I let myself act like a two year old with a guided missile.
I’m not immune to stupid.
No matter how hard it makes me laugh.
did that make me laugh.

Okey doke,
now you know,
human foibles in the shape of Al.

I’ll try to do better.
I’ll work out twice as hard,
I really will.
And you do the same.

I don’t have a book written
on how to do
Bicycle Self Defense Technique Number One,
but it’s not a hard one to figure out,
and maybe this link is a better alternative…

You know,
cultivate a calm mind
find a peaceful alternative,
maybe even drive around the idiots.

You guys and gals have a great week now,




Inside Kung Fu is going to have an article on me. November issue, which is on the stand on AUGUST 24TH!
Feel free to buy five copies, and write to the editor and tell him you want more.
If they get a sell out, and letters from across the country from a wide variety of people,
they are going to do more.

To hold another art in disrespect, even though its tenets be improper and its practice be a sham, is worse than foolishness, it is like holding your hand upon the head of a child and saying, “You will never grow to be a man.

Send me your wins!

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